But she. . .
These are two of the most unproductive words a man could ever utter. They can actually exacerbate a bad situation.
The first and most important step a man has to take to be the leader in his home as God wants him to be, is to focus on changing himself, not his wife. The irony is that the only positive way to influence change in our wives is to realize change in ourselves.
I once spent many hours counseling a man going through major marriage problems. When I challenged him toward some God-ward changes he needed to make, he kept wanting to redirect the conversation toward her issues with "But she . . . " I don't know what he hoped I would do for him, but his consuming focus was on the countless ways she was at fault for their struggles. She was demeaning, nagging, unrelenting. She didn't try to understand him. She had ridiculously unrealistic expectations of him. She was hypocritical and hyper-critical - yada yada yada.
His focus on her issues didn't change her. He didn't change (which was their hope and he couldn't see it at the time). Their children are deeply wounded and they are miserably divorced today.
Guys, let's completely drop "but she"from our vocabulary and from our mindset, it's counterproductive.
One time Peter asked Jesus about John “Lord, what about him?” and Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” (John 21:21-22)
Your wife is human, a work in progress still, and yes, she may have a long long way to go, hear Jesus say to you today, "what is that to you? You must follow me."
I focus on me to change and grow
I focus on her to serve and know
Great lesson for us all.
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I can testify to how true Tom's post is. Many years ago, I did something very stupid. My wife and others were hurt. In a critical moment of profound weakness, I felt God's Holy Spirit strongly impressing upon my heart that I had to either take full responsibility for my actions by His power and strength, or continue on my own strength, which would have involved dodging responsibility and blaming others, including my wife, and a future of His chastisement.
By His love, mercy, and grace - not by my power, but wholly His - I chose the former. It was hard and painful, and long. But, God used that to help me grow in Him, and in intimacy with Him, more than I could have imagined. He used that situation to bring my wife and me closer than ever, and help me earn back the respect and love of my wife and children, and the respect of my friends.
I stand strong in Jesus Christ today because at that critical, weak, and broken moment, I chose not to say "but she" or any other form of blaming others for my failings. I chose to follow Christ right then and there, with no hesitation, on a one-way street to wherever He would take me.
If you are in the midst of some failing in your life, great or small, now is the time to lean on Christ, take responsibility, reject passivity, and let Him heal you and bring you closer to Him. Whatever the cost, it is far less than what you could lose.
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